“Didn’t Realise Step-Mothering Would Be This Hard…”

Thousands of children live in step-families all over the country as divorce has made fractured homes commonplace. Yet behind the facade of normality, it’s rarely plain sailing.

Getting the brunt of the flak is the ‘wicked’ step-mother. Oyinda, a 45-year-old mother of three who remarried a few years ago. Ade, her new husband was a dad of one daughter, Ibi, who was thoroughly spoilt by Christy, her dotting silver-spoon mother.

“I think Christy should count herself lucky Ade ended up marrying me”, said Oyinda. “I am, after all, already a mother with three children of my own and I understand what it takes to be a parent.

I empathise with the fact that no woman wants to hand over her precious daughter to someone else every other weekend, but at least she can comfort herself that I have some idea of what I’m doing. I can actually empathise more with this than most because I, too, have to negotiate weekend access visits for my three children from my previous marriage.

“Being a step-mother can be an incredibly thankless task. Ibi was very young when she first came to us, and if she was feeling needy and upset she tended to go to her father for comfort. I made the decision right from the start that because I already had children and routines in place, what Ibi needed to adapt to our way of doing things rather than the other way round.

When she first started coming to us, it was obvious she was used to having someone else pick up after her whereas my children have been trained to tidy their rooms and do the washing up after meals. Ibi would drop her plates in the sink and expect others to wash them up, and it’s been quite a battle to get her to follow our rules. Her mother’s lack of organisation and forward planning is another sticking point.

“In the early days, I felt that Christy and Ade were making arrangements for Ibi, leaving me on the periphery, with no control or say over the family calendar. Christy is a single mother, with one child, and therefore, has the luxury of not needing to think ahead in the same way I do, but of desperation more than anything, I told Ade I was taking control of the organisation and I started to e-mail Christy directly, months in advance, so everyone could agree on mutual plans.

There’s rarely any personal contact between us and no emotions involved so Christy can’t get agitated. I keep everything on a very superficial level. But it hasn’t always been easy. In the early stages of our relationship, Understandably. Ade and I wanted some time alone. It was because of this that we preferred to have Ibi here when my three children were here too, so that when they want to visit their father, we could have a child-free weekend to ourselves. It only seemed fair, especially when Christy was having every other weekend off herself.

“And having Ibi does create extra work for me because, if I’m honest, I do feel she’s over-indulged by her mother. In my mind, if I put a plate of food in front of a child, she eats it. I won’t prepare any special meals. And some of the outfits Christy has packed for Ibi to wear while she is with us are not the kind of thing I would have allowed my own daughter to leave the house in.

Another issue is the fact that Ibi talks about a very different life to the one we live. Her mother was an only child who was spoilt rotten by parents who eventually left her a very expensive house. So, naturally, Ibi boasts of friends with swimming pools and holidays abroad. She once got iPad for Christmas when she was only nine or ten, which I told her not to bring the next time she came to stay as my children don’t have anything like that.

“I explained to her that I felt it was over the top for a child of her age to own something so extravagant. Luckily, Ibi is a matured girl and understands. She has given me very little trouble over the years. Clearly, her mother and I are never going to see eye to eye, but I can’t pretend I’m not quite envious of her life. She has a much easier time of it than me.

With her expensive house and just one child – which must be absolute bless with a couple of domestics thrown in. I suppose it’s because of this that when she complains about something, my gut reaction is to think: ‘You have no idea how, lucky you are!’”.