Dear Bunmi, My Teenage Daughter’s Ruining My Relationship

After spending years alone, I finally found a man I care for and who cares for me. Our problem is my 18-year-old daughter.

She’s spent most of her secondary school years in boarding schools and has to be at home now she’s trying to get into the university.

She doesn’t get on at all with my man, even though I confided in her how much he meant to me and solicited her support.

My man can’t understand why I’m so soft on her because, when my marriage ended seven years ago and my ex set up home with another woman, my two children stayed with their father.

My daughter was the one who decided to come back to stay with me, and my man believes I should send her back to her dad if she continues to be difficult.

My man is toying with the possibility of relocating to his hometown where he has a very large farm to go into full-time farming.

He’s counting the day my daughter gets into the university. But as it is now, she has to wait a few more months as she didn’t make her JAMB. Help!

Lara, by e-mail.

Dear Lara,

I appreciate your wanting to keep your man, but life will not be tolerable while your daughter feels so displaced by him.

Your marriage break-up seven years ago and her being farmed off to her dad for months would have felt agonisingly long in the life of all 11-year-olds … she may be fearful of another ‘me or him’ dilemma.

So your daughter’s needs have to be on the front burner too.

She might be a big girl, but she’s still your child. If your man must relocate, then you need to negotiate a realistic date when you can be with him on a permanent basis – say three years when she’s 21 and don’t give her the impression you couldn’t wait to see the back of her.

You can have a stern talk with her about behaviour that offends you but don’t reject her.

Let your man know that your daughter is still part of the package, but that if he can be patient while you give this phase your best shot, you will still have plenty of time to be happy together wherever you both relocate to eventually.

(Share your problems and release your burden. Write now to Dear Bunmi: bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk)